Moaning – and when it’s a problem for your relationship

 In Relationship Counselling

Do you feel like you’re constantly moaning at your partner? Although it’s good to get things off your chest and raise any issues you might have, constant moaning can bring you both down and cause harm to your relationship.

Regular moaning can create a negative atmosphere in a relationship. If your partner feels on the receiving end of a barrage of moans it can be exhausting, depressing and even damaging to their self-esteem. They may even end up ‘counter moaning’: meeting fire with fire making your relationship resemble a battleground.

Why are you moaning?

If you feel like your moaning is causing a problem in your relationship, you need find out why it’s turned into such a habit.

Think about the following:

  • Are you actually expressing what’s on your mind or are you just venting?
  • What’s causing your dissatisfaction?
  • Can you identify the core problem behind the moans?
  • Are you feeling let down by your partner?
  • Do you feel they ignoring your moans?

Once you have pinpointed why you are moaning, you can begin to tackle the real issues.

If there’s been a big change in your life, such losing a job, having children, moving house, bereavement and so on, these can be really destabilising. Taking away the familiar and replacing it with the unfamiliar affects us more than we realise and it can be tempting to look for someone to blame. Partners can often seem like an easy target!

However if they are not actually the source of the problem it’s only likely to cause resentment and anger in your relationship, and will hurt their feelings.

Instead, try talking to your partner about things in a calm and open way. Instead of moaning, just try chatting: being honest about what you’re finding difficult, and thinking together about ways you might address things.

If your partner is the problem, it’s unlikely repeatedly criticising them will yield positive results. When you have a go at your partner, the most likely result is that they get defensive, or begin to attack back. This can mean conflicts just spiral further and further out of control instead of getting resolved.

Again, the better course of action is to try to be honest, positive and open. Find a time to talk when you’re not already feeling annoyed, and give the conversation the time and space it needs. Don’t phrase your criticisms as attacks, but instead tell them what you’re going through. And listen to what they have to say too: relationship issues are rarely all one-way, and you’re both going to have your own perspectives on things. It’s only really possible to resolve relationship issues once you both begin to understand what each other is going through.

Find out more about communicating with your partner with our Communication Tips or contact us to see how we can help you


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