Feel like you aren’t getting what you want in bed?
Being unable to ask for what you want in bed can be frustrating and upsetting.
Sex can’t always be perfect, but being able to talk about sex is important in any relationship. Sex is a really important way of reconnecting – of being intimate, close and just enjoying one another.
Are you faking orgasms?
There are a number of reasons why you might find yourself faking it in bed.
You may have trouble communicating openly with your partner in general. A lack of confidence talking about sex may be an extension of a general lack of confidence when it comes to talking, or perhaps communication has broken down recently. It may be something you and your partner have always had problems with.
Alternatively (or additionally), you may have specific hang-ups when it comes to talking about sex. Different people have different thresholds when it comes to how open they feel they can be on this topic. Some people are quite happy being direct and honest about it. Some may find it a little embarrassing but manage to say what they’re thinking. And some would rather just not talk about it at all.
How do I talk about sex?
The best way to get started is by simply giving it a go. Of course, this is easier said than done.
You may be worrying about your partner’s reaction to what you’re going to say. You may worry that they’re going to be hurt or upset – or even that they’ll just feel awkward and not know what to say. And, while there’s no way of guaranteeing this won’t be the case, remaining silent isn’t likely to yield any positive results either. Sometimes it’s worth thinking about how you’d feel if you didn’t take the plunge – what if things stayed the same for another year, or even two? This can help you appreciate just how big a problem this is for you – whether it’s something you can live with or something you need to fix.
If you think your hesitations around talking about sex may be more related to your self-esteem, this is going to require a slightly different kind of conversation. It’s going to be more about telling your partner how you feel, what you find difficult. You may need to think about any insecurities that are making it tricky for you to express yourself in this way.
While it may feel like any insecurities are ‘your’ problem – something you’re bringing to the table that’s up to you to solve – ultimately, this is something that you and your partner will need to work on together. After all, you’re not just two separate people: you’re also sharing a life. And additionally – you’re much more likely to be successful if you do things as a team.
In the end, regardless of the reasoning behind it, the objective when it comes to talking about sex is usually the same. It’s about reconnecting as a couple, coming to understand how each other is feeling and learning how to work on problems together. And while it’s undeniably scary doing so – especially if you haven’t had much practice – the potential benefits usually more than outweigh the risks.
Sometimes issues relating to sex can be a little more complicated.
We may develop problems that are independent of our relationship, or that relate to subconscious or difficult-to-process ideas around the subject that make it difficult to enjoy or even have sex. In sex therapy, we sometimes describe these as ‘psychosexual’ issues. This is a complicated and wide-ranging subject that it would be difficult to describe in sufficient detail here.
However, if you feel like your problems with sex may come under this category, we would recommend speaking to a professional sex therapist. Although we know the prospect can feel a little strange, it may the best way to come to understand what’s happening, and usually the most effective route towards addressing it. Many people are surprised at just how effective sex therapy is once they get started.
How Relate can help
Sex therapy can incredibly effective and very rewarding. 93% of couples who’ve used Relate’s sex therapy service said that it improved their sex life. Whether you’re single, married or in a relationship, gay, lesbian or straight, sex therapy can help you to improve your sex life and overcome any specific sexual issues.
Contact us to find out more about sex therapy. You could also try our Sex and intimacy quiz